Guinea Humor

Editor-in-Chief Him
President Phil A. N. Derist
Striker Ronaldo
Managing Editor Dr. Spinner
Doghouse Editor Lalas
Gadgets Man Nolan Love
Editor-at-large Martin Kifer
Pyramid-at-large Giza
Editor-at-small Koby Jones
Editor-at-small-small Joanne
Contributing Editors D.W. Duke, Ricky Evans, Mike
Stephanie Chasteen, Jamie Folsom, Anne Ingrahmam, J. J. Kankan
Director of Photography Jeremy Eggleton
Makeup for Mr. Evans Too Often
Fashion Coordinator Shanda Steimer
Personal Assistant to the Mr. Kankan
Lamentably Lacking
Management consultant Walla-Walla
Consultant management Baden-Baden
Caught Sleeping Karen Pilliod
Key Grip Mr. Squishy
Key Whipping toy Brian McKenna Key Petit Super Cobra Kid
J! Petit Ye Ye
Polling Firm Oui Pry Associates Snacks The Market Ladies
Skaters Jean Chretien and Bobby Orr Musical Score Sarah Mclachian, ohlaia
Oldest Dead Human Lucy
Sponsorship State Department of the
United States of America, Last
Remaining Superpower

The Editors of the unimaginatively named OoO! would like to thank very sincerely the staff and volunteers of peace corps guinea for providing such wonderful copy. This particular editor would like to heap scorn and righteous fury on the other editors who left iio cities as to where they stowed the yellow folder when they flew away to the land of cheese and ice cream, thus making this particular issue exceptionally difficult to assemble; Lord knows I try. The editors would also like to pass the baton. Goodbye. This is the theme here. Are you understanding it'? Goodbye. Go. Leave. Now. Cheers.

Yet More Allegations. whoo-hoooo!

Conakry, July 15th-. A series of shocking, allegations rocked yet another Peace Corps institution last week as the self-styled Generalissimo of the PCV Maison de Passage came under fire for a range of alleged misdoings. Allegations range from relatively benign pilferage from the Peace Corps house cash box, to the running of a massive underground brewing facility at Peace Corps-and hence taxpayer expense--under the very house which ary and innocent Peace has served as a haven for weary and innocent Peace Corps volunteers seeking a bulwark against the terrors of Conakry's mean streets. Perhaps most shocking of all was the wanton misconduct of Mike's colleagues in the Peace Corps who colluded with him in a cover-up that included destruction of Federal Property, mail fraud, extortion, undeclared
vacation and even murder.

As the story goes, Nemec became increasingly hostile wheel pressed about the discrepancy between the number of volunteers who appeared to pass nights at the Peace Corps house and the number for whom payment was actually reported. Nemec, messianic leader of a beer swilling, cabal of Boss Cote TEFL teachers, embarked on a widespread campaign to forcibly silence an-yone wlio challenged his hold on the power over the Peace Corps house, including volunteers in his own prefecture. Tracy Cowjer (whose name has been changed to protect her identity) confessed complete and utter fright at the thought of questioning Nemec's authority. "He's a demon, an absolute do-do bird. But there's muscle behind him. There's nothing we can do.

"No comment , said Kristen Frank, a volunteer stung by Mike's misinformation campaign--an attempt to shift suspicion from himself to others-when her boyfriend was implicated in a Sierra Leonean gunrunning imbroglio. [We as a newspaper were too ethical to print the allegations.]
Through spokesperson Mike Keim, Nemec made this statement at a hastily called press event on the roof of the Peace Corps house "There is no campaign to silence malcontents. I have never and will never use my position as Generalissimo at the Peace Corps maison de passage to attempt forcibly suppress the opinion or statements of other Peace Corps volunteers in any manner which I personally feel is inconsistent with that role." When asked by a WAWA reporter--who was working tirelessly on your behalf to bring truth, clarity and objectivity to news coverage--to clarify what sort of behavior he Rock Star personally felt was inconsistent with his
role as Generalissimo, Keim refused repeatedly to parse the statement" thus stomping on your right to
know.

Volunteers have now been coming out of the woodwork to condemn the Generalissimo. Stephany Chastine and Nathon Witesighed had further shocking revelations about the extent of the Rock Star's misdoings. "Just look at the record. He doesn't want the Peace Corps house moved for reasons of convenience. It's double-talk. He doesn't want his underground brewing facility exposed. It's slave labor down there with petits working day and night for cent franc and BAMA. BAMA sucks!"

Mike had been seen over the Easter weekend talking heatedly with Former President Jimmy Carter, for whom one of the biggest accomplishments of his tenure as President was the deregulation of homebrewing, thus lending credibility to claims Nemec was deep into beer making. When a Bintou's Secret reporter finally cornered Mike, he went ballistic, railing about conspiracies and systematic attempts to remove him from his place of power. Of course, he refused to be quoted on the record, stamping on your right to know.
According to sources close to this newsreporter, Mike and his minions fanned out across the country, paying hush money and twisting, arms of PCV's who'd threatened to talk. None of their vacation was declared, none of it documented. Said Jossh "Knuckles" Jonson, "I found myself in an inescapable web of intrigue, a veritable nightmare where madmen roamed the Country-side armed with scads of cash. If a volunteer was recalcitrant, they would either get gaffled or the representative would cough up the jack [slang for illegal payoff)." A source close to the WAWA editorial board called Jonson a lowdown bastard. An uncorroborated, but exceedingly honest source even linked the group to the murder of a PCV who will remain nameless.
Nemec is, when he isn't filching money from impoverished PCV's or interrogating witnesses, an English teacher in the post colonial capital of Boffa, a town reputedly hated by God. His students were only too willing, after pecuniary encouragement from a tabloid reporter much less ethical than we here at
Bintou's Secret, to detail Mike's unremitting treachery in the Prefecture. "Mike, comme Mike Tyson, he suck small," offered Terminale Science student Mohamed Aissatou Bangoura.
"Noffa… Bouffing, you do the math," said Nolan Luv, a man we trust. He reacted with disgust to the invasive tactics of some organizations pursuing this story but had nothing but praise for the journalistic integrity and the high minded ideals which drive our investigative reporting.

One trustworthy source, a man who refused to be known by any name but the letter X, told an even more sinister story. There have been rumbling about intelligence involvement here since the 1960's. Kennedy's reputed softness on Communism found allies even in African non-alligned nations. Collaboration began at surprisingly high levels. Not all of Harvard's exports were the bright-eyed idealists of lore. Many were pragmatic and patriotic establishment men-on-the-make from well-connected families and exclusive private schools which had inculcated in them the unflinching loyalty that runs so tragically deep in intelligence circles. They planted the sees that became the deep rooted network we see at work here.

"Fast forward to 1998. What do we have I the Maison de Passage, if not the heirs to 1960's spook activities.. You need only look as far as the allegations against Nemec, the Greenwich Connecticut private school product: extortion, misinformation, assassination. Look at his predecessor, Croft Stone, fresh out of the debutante ballsof Carolinian high society. Stone was noted for his talent as a mimic and his penchant for disguise. Why be surprised by this pattern of Black Op's? The most shocking revelations, I'm sure are yes to come…" So are we.

OoO's Dilemma

It wasn't easy for the most ethical volunteers in West Africa to turn their rapir wit on one of their own. We were faced here with a range of embarassing and often devastating allegations against Mike Nemec. Granted we had little corroboration for many of our sources' accounts. We had no proof of murder or even assault. But the information was so compelling, the faces so honest, that we knew we had to write everything. Some argue that a few of our sources have an axe to grind, but that is a personal matter and does not mitigate the urgency of our mission. We spared no details.

Some call this type of inquisitiveness threatening to democracy. But what is more important in democracy than unfiltered, unadulterated information. While Mike and his minions were systematically dismantling the institutions we hold most dear, we at OoO! Were working tirelessly, painstakingly piecing together an entirely objective account of their treachery. While we were working our fingers to the bone, they were using your hard-earned money to buy Foster's at the Reve Americain.