Unabomber plea bargain
negotiations take unexpected turn

Kaczinski may be headed to Africa

By White House Correspondant Jane Doe

Washington, 13 January 1998 - The trial that has transfixed the nation took yet another unexpected turn yesterday as press leaks from principals involved in plea bargain negotiations and positive White House signals indicated that an interesting compromise may be struck for the former Math professor who his been accused of one of the highest profile bombing sprees of the 20th century.

The Washington Post (which, does not own this publication) reported yesterday that Kaczinsky, representing himself, had pulled off a major coup. There are now signals that the middle-aged anti-technology hermit may be headed to an isolated post in underdeveloped Guinea, West Africa. Publically the prosecution has denied that such a deal could possibly be closed but sources close to tile team said that although Kaczinski may be handicapped by Persistently seeking to defend himself, "in these Post-OJ days one often considers the kind of mountain of evidence we've amassed against Kaczinski to be a disadvantage, there is simply too much.
Meanwhile reports that Senate Foreign Relation Committtee chairman Jesse Helms (RNC) would seek to have more than 6000 Peace Corps volunteers who live in similar conditions to Kaczinski declared insane or immeasurably incompetent sent White House staffers scrambling to respond. A statement released late on Friday blasted Helms's assertion and focused on Kaczinski's strengths as @l talented mathmatician and independent thinker rather than what many people see as glaring personality flaws.
The statement said "We deny that all Peace Corps volunteers are insane. No one has proven that Ted is insane. Therefore, we believe that he would make a fine Volunteers"
Some Republican legislators and conservative columnists attacked the the position as simply a message that Peace Corps was moving toward an across the bar loweringof hiring standards. Conservative firebrand William Safire wrote in the Washington Times that "Peace Corps administrators struggles to fill thousands of new places under President Clinton's new and ridiculous 10,000 by 2000 initiative reek of the same pandering that led to the organization's naissance in the 1960's. It's pure flummery. It seems to say.- Why should we send our best and brightest when there are so many others we could sign up?-

Clinton's fabled rapid-response team was ready for the conservative media blitz, parrying the Strikes on Washington's myriad Sunday interview shows. "This is nonsense," retorted White House senior advisor Railm Emmanuel. "You have to look at Kaczinski's record as a whole. No one is perfect and he has in spades, the types of qualities that lead to high success in Peace Corps. He is self reliant and a brilliant mathematician with teaching experience and a rugged outdoorsy lifestyle. Further, he has shown uncompromising dedication to his meeting his goals."

Other reports told of arrangements to fast track Kaczinski's Peace Corps application so that he can be sent directly to Republic of Guinea, a small nation on Africa's West Coast. Although it is often forgotten in discussions of geopolitics, it has recently been in the news for its virtual lock on the bottom five of the United Nations Human Development rankings and accusations of money being filtered from Guinean nationals to the Democratic National Committee. A regional expert in the
Administration said "Ted will be right at home-.
Peace Corps volunteers in Guinea were overwhelmingly positive in their response to Kaczinski's relocation to their humble nation. Martin Kifer, a volunteer characterized as "not completely incompetent" by his superiors, expressed unflinching support for the White House and its decision. "I mean, I like accept the proposed move hook, line and sinker. I've heard a lot about him. He's real smart. I hope he can get the mail running more smoothly. I mean, I don't like too much strong arm stuff but I hear he's got some good ideas."
Kaczinski has reportedly placed several conditions on practical aspects of his service including housing and employment. He is demanding a small house free of the encumberments.of running water and electricity. Further, he is demanding that a proposed teaching post not require him to monitor end of the semester compostitions and strictly limit the number of students he would be required to teach. "I'm not-f-ing crazy," he wrote justifying his demands in an early draft of his list of conditions.
The Bintu's Secret editorial board bristled at what was possibly his most controversial request: control of the news and editorial content of Bintu's Secret, a beacon of truth and reason which informs and entertains the Volunteers Of Peace Corps Guinea.' We don't care who the guy is. No one can force us to compromise our integrity as journalists.