Guinea Humor

Sacramento, 12 January, 1998
The high priced
legal team assembled to defend Unabomber suspect
Ted Kaczinsky won their first battle this morning
during a pre-trial hearing, when they succeeded in
convincing the judge to accept their contention that
Kazinski was legally insane.
'The basis of their argument was that a
person eschewing all of society's norms to live in a
10' x 12' shack, with no telephone, no toilet, no
television, nor any other of the trappings of modern
life, must be incompetent to stand trial.
Though Mr. Kacziiisky could not be reached
for comment his chief lawyer held a press conference
after the hearing. "My client is purely a victim.
Anybody who lived a life that severed from the rest of
the world is bound to end up murdering people. Two
and two make four, you know'?"
The judgement created a public stir when it
was announced just before lunch time, but in the
afternoon the story took an odder twist. When
apprised of the situation, Jesse Helms, leader of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee, quickly seized
the issue as an opportunity to discredit President
Clinton's newest initiative, die expansion of the
Peace Corps.
The curmudgeonly Republican from North Carolina was quoted by the New York Times earlier this week resisting the public expenditure as, "more ratfood for the third world." When he found that nearly three-quarters of the Peace Corps volunteers currently serving lead lives not dissimilar to that of Mr. Kaczinsky, Helms had this to say: "I've been. telling people for years that Peace Corps was a refuge for drugged-out losers, leftists and homosexuals. Now judicial reciprocity informs me that they're insane, too. This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. All I have to ask America is whether or not they want their tax dollars supporting seven thousand lunatics. The President can pretty much expect a veto on his new bill-- why subsidize a freakshow? God Bless America. That is all."
The President had announced list week that he intended to increase Peace Corps funding by 50% in order to have "10,000 [volunteers] by 2000".
Talks were underway as we went to press as to whether or not something,, could be salvaged but the Clinton administration was not optimistic. Spokesman Mike McCurry lamented, "They've got us between a rock and a hard place. Kaczinsky's last laugh, I guess."